Sex after 50

Between myself and Unbearable Lightness we are beginning to sound like a broken record, always trying to explode myths and combat prejudices about the older body. Every time I think there is no longer any need to raise the issue I am proven wrong.


I was teaching second year undergraduates yesterday. I co-teach with other colleagues. The way it works is one of us lectures for one hour  to a class of 70 plus students, then we split the class into small  groups and  we take the students in separate seminars. Seminar means that we use the ideas put forward in the lecture for discussion but each one of us taking the group will add something - no seminar group is exactly the same as the one going on in the class next door even though the issues discussed are pre-set. I usually get some powerpoint slides by email the night before my colleague delivers the lecture, so that I get an idea of what she is going to say. I  also go to the lecture - with great effort and much muttering under my breath because it starts at 9 am which means getting up very early as I live at the other end of London -  so that I know exactly what questions were raised and I take it from there.


Yesterday morning  a colleague introduced the students to a sociological perspective on dance. We are all trying to drill into students the importance of engaging with contextual issues when looking at a dance /art work, something many of them regularly forget to do when  writing their essay.  At the end of her lecture she showed a clip of Pina Bausch's Kontakthof mit Damen und Herren ab 65


I took one of the seminar groups and we began to discuss the clip, especially the duet of the woman wearing a purple gown and the man dressed in a suit, in the last 8 minutes of the clip. I was shocked. My students could not stomach the fact that over 65 bodies are sexual. A young woman kept on saying that young people cannot engage with the fact that older people may have a sex life. "We just dont want to talk about it. It is disgusting" "Tough"
I said. "We will have to discuss this and related issues in today's seminar".  We eventually managed to wrestle with a few questions on the social construction of the body, gender relationships, sexuality, older bodies, bourgeois attitudes - everything that Pina Bausch brings to her amazing choreographic work.


It was hard to steer the discussion in the right direction. The students felt uncomfortable with viewing older dancing bodies, even though some of the dancers had been doing it for decades and really exemplified a trained dance body as opposed to a body accustomed only to every day movements. At times like this I feel like logging into deviantArt and show these students the gallery of models such as  Unbearable Lightness - she would have been perfect to complement Pina Bausch's work and really make people think differently. Unfortunately that is not possible, I need to keep my identity as a model completely separate from my identity as a tutor and logging into deviantArt would give it away. But I can assure you that yesterday morning I felt sorely tempted.


The other day I received a very derogatory  comment on my erotic series with Mike Cooney which I worked on  last weekend in Dublin  ("an old lady with a mental condition making a fool of herself") presumably because the photos showed two people engaged in activities suggesting lovemaking. I happen to know that the commentator is actually closer to 50 than 45 but he still feels entitled to pontificate on my older woman status, implying that at my age erotically charged work  is inappropriate.

There is such great resistance to accept that people over 50 do indeed engage in sex and enjoy it, it is one of the greatest taboos of our society. Is it because deep down we still associate sex with procreation?  This is not so in other cultures. In a recent article in the Guardian Pamela Sephenson Connolly wrote about the Kiribati in the Pacific islands, among whom the sexuality of  ageing people is viewed very positively and even celebrated.
"How can older people have sex?" asked another one of my students, genuinely puzzled "I mean...you know...men have erectile dysfunctions and women have saggy breasts and worn bodies". I could not believe she was saying that. I flare up easily, so I really had to control myself because to row with students is extremely counterproductive.  "Erectile dysfunctions happen in young men too" I answered. "As for women not looking good, well that really is not dependent on age" I again felt tempted to visit there and then  What we saw today - yesterday's post would have been perfect seminar discussion material.

It saddens me to think that this bunch of young people could succumb to such prejudices and found it difficult to engage in a discussion - it took me a lot of cajoling and beating around the bush to make the discussion flow. Ageism is all pervasive in our society and it tends to hit women even more than it does men. Ironically people tend to live longer and are being encouraged to be as productive as possible, especially now that the age of retirement is being  raised to 66 for both men and women.  We definitely need to change our perception of what being older means. No sex after 50? You must be joking, right? I am only just beginning to enjoy it to the full.

(All photos modelled by Alex B. All photos by John Erik Setsaas)
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Comments

  1. My mum is over 50, she does have a new boyfriend, and we even talk about sex together. I really don't see the age either. With over 70, I understand the puzzlement, I have it too. But I guess young people are just so marked by the sexualisation in media, which is ALWAYS young.

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  2. Anonymous, most women feel liberated when they stop menstruating and do not have to depend on contraceptives and this has a positive effect on their sex lives. Sex is good at any age. Over 70 there may be less emphasis on penetrative sex but older lovers really enjoy touching each other and exploring the body. I went out briefly when I was 47 with a man who was 72. I reconnected with him, I had first met him and been his lover, also briefly and unhappily, when I was only 22. It was a reconnection that was doomed because of the long distance - he lives in another country. He truly made me feel like a goddess and I treasure the memory of that experience.

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  3. Great article - I had to comment.
    I think that sadly older people often think that sex is no longer for them. I can't mention who here, but I know of a woman in her sixties who says when you get older you aren't interested anymore.
    Myself at 34, I cannot imagine losing interest. It is one of the things that makes me feel alive!!

    Wanted to share one of my favourite poems - as it is relevant (merely becuase it is sensual!), and I think you'd like it... i'm sure you've seen it before. Its by the great Oriah Mountain Dreamer (also look at her poem 'fierce longing'.


    The moment before

    I want to touch
    the sharp taste
    of the moment in between
    the second just before
    the place where
    the breath catches
    in anticipation.

    It's the scent of heat held in the air
    between two mouths
    reaching for each other, hungry.
    The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
    just before
    it melts into
    the wetness of the other.

    It is the skin that tingles
    waiting
    fine hairs at attention
    reaching
    aching.
    It is the places that have not yet been touched
    but know they will be.
    It is the smooth, quivering paleness
    of the inner thigh
    as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
    The muscles of the abdomen tightening
    the back arching slightly
    begging
    come here
    quickly
    slowly.

    There, in that moment
    do not take your eyes from mine.
    I am here
    awake
    1 am
    reaching
    to be
    met.

    Do not touch me and keep your soul
    out of your fingertips.
    Die into me
    or do not come into me at all.
    Ever after is in this moment
    happily or not.

    Sacrifice the daydream.
    Dare to hold the desire
    for a great love.

    Be with me.



    Oriah Mountain Dreamer © 1995

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  4. Hi, Alex :)
    I work surrounded by young people, students of the Faculty of Chemistry. These young people under 25 tend to think 30 years are mature or old. ;)

    Sometimes they do not understand, or they are just discovering their own sexuality. It is not uncommon that they can not understand the nuances and depth of sexuality beyond 45-50.

    By the way, I have almost 52 y.o.

    Greetings

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  5. Alex, when I recently posted my fitness-at-age-66 photo on deviantART http://unbearable-lightness.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d30qnzl I got tremendous support from men, but two nasty comments from young women on DA. One accused me of having had "tons of plastic surgery," which as you know cannot make anyone fit, and the other called me arrogant and fake. They simply will not believe anyone can look good at age 66.

    It's sad that it would be young women who are so repulsed by the sexuality and beauty of older women. I have had relationships with a number of young men, all superb athletes, from age 23 and up. These men sought me out and said my maturity was a major attraction. Rather than focusing on the physical only, my current 30 year old lover says he likes the stability in my life and my joie de vivre. We also share a passion for high art.

    Why not show your students excerpts from "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone" with Helen Mirren or Charlotte Rampling's erotic nude scene in the French film "Swimming Pool"?

    These attitudes MUST be exploded. I remember thinking the same thing in my 20s, but I had no role models back then to make me consider otherwise. Now there are many role models, and it is to the benefit of these young women that they open their minds and quit living in fear of their own future.

    Carry on!

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  6. Manon what a wonderful poem! Thank you for your contribution. Daichi I know, 50+ is positively ancient for people under 25. They need to find out about their own bodies and their sexuality.
    UL you are amazingly inspiring. I have another group of students, first years and have already decided that I will do a lecture with them on being older, being a performer and being a sexual being. I will also need more dance material but there is the wonderful Nederlands Dans Theater III which is with dancers over 40. And yes am working out ways to use your blog anonymously in class. That should be fun.

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  7. Is it any conciliation that you will be proven right to your students in 30 years?

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  8. I guess. But why go through life believing that it all ends at 30 or 40?

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  9. At that age they are just thinking about now. That's a bigger problem than sex after 50.

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  10. Sure but as an educator I am concerned that the young people I teach should have the necessary intellectual preparation to sustain them through life and that involves being able to counter prejudice in all form

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  11. Okay, yes I see your point. Prejudice. You are a true educator. I was looking at it in a very practical way. And yes education is practical so I will head you off on that one. :)

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  12. The video clip looks like the kind of art they'd have in The Village.

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  13. Anonymous I am not sure what to make of this. They did have fantastic art in The village but that was in the 1960s. Pina Bausch was an amazing artist, influenced by the art of The Village but she did develop her own style. Worth watching her stuff

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  14. The sweet twist that ageism has over racism and other forms of exclusion is that we all age. Let us see what the youth of today will think in thirty or forty years. Will they want to give up sex?

    As for beauty, both you and UL are true beauties and very erotically attractive, regardless of age. I find it interesting though that older men still get a pass on this easier than women. Sean Connery and Paul Newman's sex appeal were always celebrated. Only until recently were actresses like Helen Mirren and Sophia Loren celebrated for the sexual attraction and beauty.

    I think sex keeps getting better as we age. We are better at, accept our bodies, and know what we are good at and what others enjoy. We also have less to prove and more to enjoy.

    Keep up the good fight and keep enjoying sex and the beauty of the human form at all ages.

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  15. I'd have to put more thought into it, but I think your question of whether people think of sex as for procreation is a good one. I mentioned in another article (I think on WWST) that a lot of taboos about sexuality come from deep in the roots of human society when people lived in very small groups, and reproduction was important to the survival of the entire group. Most of the taboos are directly related to reproductive assurance and the nurturing of any children. Homosexuality, pairing with infertile women, and alternative sexual positions don't lead to making babies. In addition, elderly people are less likely to be around to care for the children. I think the double standard for women comes from the fact that at least elderly men can still reproduce.

    These definitely ARE very old hold-overs from ancient times.

    There's also just youth being youth. It's not just that they don't want to think of older people having sex. They don't want to think about getting older, themselves.

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  16. Alex, it doesn't surprise me at all that your young people have negative views about sex involving people our age. All their lives they've been saturated with advertisements that link being young and "beautiful" with being sexy. It takes real self-awareness and strength to defy the stereotypes plastered all over television, the Internet, billboards etc.

    C.S. Lewis, of all thinkers, summed up the situation nicely in The Screwtape Letters, chapter 20: "...[W]e [the demons] are more and more directing the desires of men to something which does not exist--making the role of the eye in sexuality more and more important and at the same time making its demands more and more impossible. What follows you can easily forecast!" (There's a lot that comes before this quote about "directing the sexual taste" of humans, particularly men. You'd think Lewis had been an insider in Madison Avenue or its UK equivalent!) Now, many men of my acquaintance see through all this false imagery--but many women get convinced that the only way to get their sexual desires met is to make themselves "ideal" and therefore false.

    Add to this the notorious prudishness whose dregs we've inherited from earlier generations, that makes any kind of talk about sex dangerous (either nerve-rackingly or enticingly dangerous), and you get the disaster that's happening today, where any kind of frank talk about sex gets met with scorn or fury and where too many people of all ages have these completely unrealistic ideas and expectations.

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  17. Alex thanks for bringing this topic of young peoples view of sex by we seniors.

    It's totally amazing to me that so many young people believe it's REVOLTING to think of us having sex as seniors! Indeed some days it's downright funny to hear the HORROR in their voices when we talk about it. This attitude comes from my step children and my own children. And one of my young friends who is 26 is HORRIFIED when I suggested my wife and I have sex on a frequent basis!! LMAO

    Where does this originate? You say in our western culture targeted at praising the youth and youthful appearance, and vilification of aging and old age. Perhaps, but thanks for discussing this and helping to dispel this myth!!

    WE seniors do engage in sex, oral sex, multi position sex and ENJOY it fully!! I'm in no way ashamed of it at all!

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  18. wow. piles of comments on this, huh?

    I think the repulsion many feel is socially ingrained. It's not socially acceptable to find older people sexually attractive. Even those who secretly have no issue may say otherwise to maintain face. Others have been brainwashed by an ideology to the point that they respond negatively without knowing why - it's 'just wrong' to them.

    I think, despite that, your reaction is a little blind to reality: most people of older ages ARE in bad shape, and to see the forms of out-of-shape depreciating bodies in a sexual way is alienating because for young people, the norm is sex between people of THEIR age.
    Not to mention the way that the brain ignores age as you age. For example, the way in which living with the same person for extended periods - that person doesn't appear to have changed physically over time to you because the change has been so gradual. However, if you were to look at a photograph of them from years earlier, you would be able to see the difference.

    So, as a) an older woman who is actually in shape and healthy, and b) an older woman who regularly spends time with other older people - you're less likely to be able to see the disparity between sex between young people and sex between old people.

    This is not to say that sex between older people shouldn't occur. But I don't want to see old people having sex anymore than I want to see my sister having sex.
    I only want to think about myself having sex.

    that said, the more healthy and in-shape an older person is, the less likely it is that I'll be repulsed by it... and as you mentioned, being unhealthy and out of shape can apply to people of all ages. THAT said, I'm just as repulsed by young people who are unhealthy and out of shape having sex as I am by older people who are unhealthy and out of shape having sex.

    Y'dig?

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  19. Wow, lots of comments indeed, I guess sex is always an attractive topic.
    Hatebunny I dont think that sex is truly to do with shape and young people, despite everything, may find older people sexually attractive. When I was 22 I loved a man who was more than double my age and he was not in any particular good shape. It was a sexual relationship and it was good while it lasted. OK some older female friends did refer to him as a dirty old man and did try "to make me see sense" so I know that what I was doing was not "normal". Which brings me to the point that the stimulus for sex is not necessarily visual. It's all in the mind, really. Now I tend to like men younger than myself but again, when I am at the college where I teach, all the young men become faceless students, I feel no attraction for them at all, regardless of how good looking they are - my professional self takes over. It is all to do with mind conditioning.
    I dont want to see my son having sex, though I know he does have a sex life, no more than he wants to see or think of me as having sex. I remember that some time ago I was going away and told him that I did not want him to use my bedroom if his then girlfriend was going to come home. He almost choked on his breakfast and said he would not dream of it. The horrified look on his face said it all.
    What I am trying to say is that a young person at least intellectually should accept that sex is not the preserve of the young. Nor is it the preserve of the beautiful. That's why Pina Bausch's work challenges conventions. The purpose of my seminar was to discuss such conventions. I was surprised that my students had such a knee jerk reaction and were unwilling to examine the reason why they did.
    And let me add: a healthy sex life keeps you in great shape.

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  20. Jochanaan, PixelPerfect, Karl, Phydeau thank you all for your very thoughtful comments. I am glad that you have all come forward to support my argument and helping me to nuance it.
    Absolutely, why should older people be ashamed of wanting sex or of enjoying it?
    As an older nude model I would be a real hypocrite if I said that my work was not erotic. Some of it is'nt, but some definitely is. I do want the viewer to find it erotic without being prejudiced about my age. In doing that, the viewer has to acknowledge my desirability even though I am over 50. Being desirable is to do with sex, acknowledging sexuality. I like it when younger men find me sexually attractive because I know that it is a step further in removing the perception that sex and ageing dont go together. I like it when photographers want to work with me rather than a beautiful 20 year old for the very same reason.

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  21. Crowmanic, you speak for the kind of young men I have encountered. It's the women who seem to be repulsed by it or resentful of it. Karl makes a good point. I do think young women see older women as their future but also as unwanted competition.

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  22. I agree with you UL. But it is so true that some men hit their 40s and 50s and immediatey become critical of women their age even though the women may look better than them. They believe they are sexy and desirable to younger women regardless of their appearance and will be very judgmental of older women. When photographers say they only want to photograph young and pretty girls they embrace this stereotype.

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